Monday, October 18, 2010

Planet Of The Apes: The Return To Eden

No animals were harmed in the making of this film. All sets, props, and costumes were made of recycled materials. Everything consumed by the actors (both on and off camera) and crew was prepared using certified organic, locally-grown ingredients.

The equipment necessary for the production of this film was powered by wind and solar energy, with the exception of the motor vehicles, the majority of which consisted of the most efficient available electric or hybrid models. Unfortunately the only helicopters we could find were real helicopters, and we needed them to film the explosions.

A team of conflict resolution and anger management counselors was on set at all times to insure that no egos were bruised, feelings hurt, grudges nursed, or instances of arrogant transgression committed. The director of the film --who had a prior reputation as mercurial, erratic, and frequently abusive-- behaved at all times like a perfect professional and a gentleman.

The screenplay, though fundamentally flawed, was treated with absolute respect and fidelity to its author's every word and intention.

If money was squandered (and it was), it was squandered in exclusively virtuous ways. For example: a guild of artisans from a Vermont craft collective was flown in to create all of the costumes from recycled hemp. The dyes used to provide the vibrant (or, in the early apocalyptic sections of the film, muted) hues of these costumes were prepared using natural materials acquired while foraging in various wooded areas no more than 45 miles from the site of production.

The robots were created from scrap materials by underprivileged children at a local magnet school.

An A-list actor and Academy Award nominee was dismissed early in the production for repeatedly bringing a can of Red Bull to the set and refusing to use the composting outhouse installed behind his yurt.

Smoking was strictly prohibited.

We are proud to claim that what you are about to see is the greenest film in Hollywood history. It is our hope that in seeking to reduce the carbon footprint of what has historically been a profligate industry we are also, as individuals, reducing our collective karmic footprint.

We hope you enjoy the film.


  1. I imagine John Waters reading this to the audience before each screening, while puffing on a cigarette and blowing smoke in our faces.

  2. I imagine no one reading this to an audience of nobody, and every one of the nonexistent sons of bitches blowing smoke in my face. Where's Jergie when I need him? Or Ralph Meers?

  3. This post inspired me to save energy by turning off my computer for a month.