Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Malliest Mall Of Them All

First I worked in this place in the Food Court that sold French fries and pretzels. My boss was a Vietnamese guy who called himself Mike. Then I moved down another floor and worked at this place that sold nothing but total shit --no vision, none whatsoever: Rattling plastic frogs that croaked and paddled about in a tank of water, incense, big, hideous rugs with pictures of polar bears and lions and Bob Marley, and lousy Green Bay Packers stuff. Then it was on to a shell place where honest to God I once worked an eight-hour shift and never had one person set foot in the door, not even any of the Japanese or the old people from South Dakota. All day long I had to listen to CDs that had like harps and the sounds of waves and some other irritating noise that I think was supposed to be the shrieking of whales but that mostly sounded like seals being clubbed to death. That got fucking old in a hurry so I got a job at a place that sold nothing but lava lamps and Star Wars shit and Bill Clinton masks. Then there was a candle place that reeked so bad that I couldn't get through the day without guzzling an entire bottle of Nyquil and sneaking one-hitters in the bathroom.

I did have some standards, I guess. I never worked at the NASCAR place.

I eventually ended up in a cheesy little religious kiosk where I sat there on a stool and did crossword puzzles and read Heavy Metal magazines while the Jesus plaques, crosses, and Bible verse bookmarks gathered dust. You know you're working a shit job when the first thing on your checklist of responsibilities is "dust merchandise."

Even the guy who worked the sausage-and-cheese kiosk got more chicks to stop and talk to him, and the stooge who ran the place told me I couldn’t talk on my cell phone, drink Mountain Dew, or wear my Chuck Taylors.

That was pretty much my “fuck this” retail moment. I'm a graphic designer now.

1 comment:

  1. I have one standard too when selling dry goods.I will sell them but won't dust em cause if they need dusting they are going in the garbage.Worked at the shoe store in a mall until I outsold the boss so he got pissed and fired me without pay.We went in the store and hat a chat with him and took socks in exchange for money.Warm feet are first!